Take away all of the ego, take away all of the trauma, take away all of that."
Peace family. It's Christina. And I wanted to make this video because as you see, I look a little different than I did maybe like a couple of months ago. And I know that it's been a gradual change for me, but I realized that for y'all who really don't see me every day, this is like, "what happened? Like, what, what is this?" And so I wanted to just talk that through with you guys, just so that we can all be on the same page. I know, people like to speculate and think and talk and all of that, and so you can hear it straight from my mouth, what it is and how I'm feeling and why I'm making such amazing changes. And I feel really great.
So let's take it back to last summer when I got the studio. So y'all know that the initial plan, or you may not know, those of you who follow me for the past, like, I'd say a year or two years, have seen a lot has happened in my life. So we opened up a studio, I started the magazine, and all of that. And then by April of this year, we closed the studio continue to do the magazine, and I've kind of been changing my whole business around, really, because my life has been changing. And I just want to explain all of that.
So going back to last year, I had the vision for this magazine to really share yoga with people of color. But you know, it's really just an expression of the things I was learning. I grew up Christian, and really turned to yoga after a car accident to heal my body, heal my mind, which it really really did help me with. And so it evolved into so many things. First was the magazine. And then right immediately after that, I got a space. And literally the space was offered to me for free for the first couple of months. So obviously we paid rent after that, but it really was just kind of like,
"Oh, great, thanks!" Like, I was saying, I didn't plan for that at all. I had no business plan for the studio.
So I'm doing the magazine, which was the plan, I got super distracted from that and really stopped doing it – I did one issue in June and then didn't do another one until January, literally because I was overwhelmed with the studio and was like,
"Oh, I have a whole business now," like, "Whoa."
That I wasn't ready for so not even gonna lie. I would have never said this before, but yeah, I was burned out probably by like, October, November of last year. And so we're doing the yoga challenges, and all these different people are starting to see what we're doing. And it was like,
"Oh, what have I done?" So I was still doing it, but I was really burned out.
So this is when you see me run off to Miami, leave the studio in the hands of my mother and other teachers because I was literally burned out, and I could not admit that.
And so I was like, you know, "I'm just gonna go do this teacher training, and maybe they can help me figure out my entire life in front of everybody. "
And so that's really why I did that. Obviously, I wanted to teach yoga, but it was really because I was trying to heal myself. All of this came out of me trying to heal myself. And I was practicing so much and people saw me do it.
And they're like, "Oh, you know how to do it, show us how to do it." Right.
And so in time, it was like, I guess I'm a yoga teacher. Really, I was just a yoga student with a really broken body, and PTSD. And so that's why I was doing it, you feel me. And so I start teaching and I found it beneficial for myself, for others, but on a deep level, I was still not healed. And so that really started to expose itself, I think, when I was really teaching full time and had the studio and was like,
"Hold on, hold on wait. I'm really trying to teach you guys this, but, I need to get this. I need some time to get this."
And so I go to Miami – you guys see a lot of the changes – I shaved my head in February, really with the intention of seriously changing my life. I was learning so much. I was really learning practices of meditation, of breathing practices, we would do hour long pranayama, hour long meditation we were taking yoga philosophy, Bhagavad Gita adjustments all of this all day from like morning till the early afternoon, like four or five o'clock. And so I was experiencing just like, all of the things I was looking for, like, I'm not gonna lie, like really what I got at Miami Life Center was what I was looking for, which was peace. I was doing all of this yoga every day, but I still was feeling this agitated sense of like, lack of peace. And so that's just to say, I started to find that.
Then I come back to Atlanta, the owners of the studio, want to close the studio, and they want to have a foot spa there.
I'm like, "You know what? That's fine." Like, I'm cool with it because I was stressed out with it from the first place. So I was like, "You know what, let's let that go. And I'll just focus on online."
So you'll see, I'm still posting, I spent that month that very last month of the studio recording so much content, I still have content I have not edited, I'm still posting it. So you'll see, I know that you guys are probably already like, what is going on, because you see pictures of me like this, which is from today. And then you see pictures of me like with my hair out and I'm wearing all the other stuff I used to wear. And it's really because that's I had recorded so much content at the studio that I've been posting it all year. And I still have more to go.
So come to now. I close the studio, and I was really sitting with myself, I ended up realizing I needed surgery. So I really ended up in a place around like June, July, August, where – I had a daily Ashtanga practice, so I was practicing every day, up until then, six days a week, early in the morning. Then I went to literally not doing that at all. I wasn't teaching. I wasn't practicing, really because I was not well, and I was afraid, I don't know, I really just stopped practicing. So from like June to August, I was sitting around, like,
"What should I do? "
And I had a lot of time to really sit with myself. And so that's just to say that I was depressed on some level. And I was meditating a lot, I was doing a lot of pranayama. And that was pretty much it. And I started reading a lot. And I started asking God for answers.
I was like, "Look, you know, I've been doing all of this for all this time."
And I just felt like something was still really off for me. And I was really just reflective and asking God for insight like, "what do you want me to do next?" And so I feel like out of a really weird kind of time, God really showed me some interesting information about myself, which was that I just need to do better. That's pretty much it.
God was like, "Look. Look at yourself, like really look at yourself, look at how you are in the world, look at everything, and just see yourself clearly. Take away all of the ego, take away all of the trauma, take away all of that."
And I realized that, you know, I had a car accident a number of years ago, about five over five years ago now as I said, I started yoga to heal from, and I was kind of stuck in this trauma place where I was seeing myself as traumatized, seeing myself as injured, seeing myself as having to fix all of these problems.
When God was kind of like, "You can just give me that. You don't have to take all of that onto yourself. That's why I'm here." And it was literally, I can't explain it, the biggest sense of relief that I think I've ever felt.
I grew up Christian, like I said, I used to preach and all of that my early 20s and all of that. I left the church really because I just I felt like something wasn't right - like I wasn't getting what I needed. But that's just to say that over this period of time, I feel like God has really asked me to make some changes. And so I felt convicted, really on an inner, inside place. Nobody told me to change the way I dress. I didn't read anything that told me I need to change the way I dress. I have found references for some of the attire that I'm wearing now, but that wasn't why I did it. There was a moment when I had a deep conviction within myself. And it was literally like, like the best way I can explain it was like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. And I was like,
"Oh my God, I'm naked." I was like, "Oh, I need something to cover myself." And it was that. So over the summer, I'm not really sure why, but over the summer, I started covering my hair and it felt instinctual. It felt like "I have to do this." It felt like, "I have to cover myself."
And so it started like that. Like you'll see some videos of me like where I had it kind of tied up and I have some with the turban and I still wear like different varieties but I was really like genuinely on a deep level convicted in my heart. It was not anything someone told me to do, it was something I felt like I needed to do.
I felt like I really have been trying to pursue the spiritual path. And I love yoga and all of that. Yoga has been very healing for my body and for my mind, but I feel like the way that I was doing it, the way I was carrying it out was like, you know, for me, it was over sexualized. I felt like, I used to be frustrated, because I was like, "Why is it that the message isn't getting across, like, men are still treating me like a certain way?" you know, almost like I was a sex worker, like a girl who like dances on a pole. And like, I saw what I was doing fundamentally different. But, you know, the way I was dressed wasn't fundamentally different. And so I think that, you know, I would never judge anybody or anything, and I still have a lot of that stuff up. Because, you know, it is what it is. But I really felt like I needed to change myself, in some ways that would make me better, that would make me more mindful, and that would help me to just be in the world and kind of a different way than what I was doing.
And so I just started dressing differently. And I started talking to God a little bit differently. And I really feel that on some level, like, I was not right with God. And so I've been trying to get closer to God, I've been trying to build that relationship back. And so, you know, nothing is forever, you know, I wasn't dressing like this forever, everything changes, everything is open to change, and life is open to change. And so, you know, maybe one day I'll feel differently, but like, right now, I feel like, this is the look, I feel really good. And I can't like explain it to you, like, you know, the feeling that I have on the inside, but it's like, you know, there's a sense of peace, there's a sense of like, forgiveness, like God has forgiven me that I got to start over almost on some level, that I just feel like, is really special in my heart. And so.
So that's kind of the explanation, I guess, for why I look a little bit different. You know, I'm still me, like, you know, I'm, I'm finding my way here. So I wish that you would have grace with me, those of you who kind of understand this, and those of you who don't, have grace with me, as I figure this path out, you know, I'm figuring it out. So some days – I'm figuring out how to wear the scarf, I'm figuring out how to dress a little bit more modestly. And it's not always going to be exactly the most modest, or it might not be stuff that people are used to, but this is my journey. And this is kind of how I'm navigating the world. There was a point where I realized that if you were to see me out right now, this is what I look like. So I hadn't been posting on Instagram for some time, really, because these changes started to happen. And I was like, How do I even play this off? Like, I can't dress like this in real life, and then take the scarf off on Instagram, or like, I mean, it totally just, messed up my brain How do I even do this? And so I've been trying to figure out how do I get you guys to understand the journey that I've been on. So that it makes sense. And so I thought I should just go ahead and make a video to kind of explain it to you guys. So that we are on the same page and so that you guys know why I have done this, and will continue to.
I really like wearing my little outfits, my scarves, I have different colors. And I'm really like feeling good. And so, that's all that matters, and that's really the path of yoga is to yoke to unite human and divine. And I feel like that's something that I finally can't say it's not like achieved like I did it and it's over with I have no more work to do, but it does feel like I have achieved something that I was seeking so badly through my asana yoga practice, and that feels really, really good.
I'm going to keep making videos. I'm still trying to figure out what my yoga attire is going to be because I am trying to cover myself a little bit more. So just like have grace, bear with me as I figure this out. I have to rerecord a lot of the videos because I do want to just present myself a little bit differently than what I was. And so I'm just really grateful for all of you guys for understanding the journey, understanding the evolution and being with me as I kind of step into this new way of being in the world and that's pretty much it.
As always, I love you guys, and I'll see you on the next one.
Closing:
I got a dress that' was real frumpy. My mom called it frumpy. She's like, "You can cover yourself, but don't dress frumpy."
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Peace & Pineapples!
